The Bachelorette: A Guy's Perspective - Week 6
Before diving into the pre-marital adultery that we are being carelessly exposed to, I want to preface by expressing my apologies. I've been moving into a new home and have not been able to write for the past few weeks. Therefore, the single greatest bachelorette recap on the internet was unaccessible. I will not disappoint you again.
Now the fun part:
Week 6 kicks off with JoJo and Chris Harrison discussing her thoughts so far. As if she just can't quit, she mentions BEN. It's been SIX WEEKS and she has dropped that name at least once per episode. At this point, you have to start feeling worried that these guys are gonna get hurt. Real talk.
JoJo and Chris join the guys to inform them that for the next week, they'll be in Buenos Aires. You know, because that's the only way you find "real" love. The guys are stoked... obviously.
Once landed, the guys and the viewers are informed that there will be a 1-on-1, a group date and another 2-on-1 date this week. This just sucks. Worst kind of date EVER. Not even Buenos Aires could make that date not be terrible. But first - Wells gets the 1-on-1. The date card reads, "Besame Muchacho". Ironically, Wells is the only contestant that hasn't kissed JoJo by this point. Unsurprisingly, she made out with everyone else by the end of the first episode. (not true)
1 on 1 - Wells
This is obviously a huge situation for Wells. He is more nervous than boyfriends at a SoMo concert. But while everyone's over here squealing about how JoJo is going to react let's take a different angle. What if JoJo is an absolutely terrible kisser? And not just in this situation, like, the whole show. Do you think one of the guys would have told her? NO! They're not going to say a THING. I guess we'll never know. Regardless, you have to go balls to the wall and kiss this girl so good you steal her soul. That's it. It' do or die.
When the two arrive at the location, the viewer learns that they will be participating in what seems to be an acrobatic studio (think cirque de soleil), where you can actually participate. They hoist them up on to a soapy wet mat suspended high above the ground. The pad tilts and rotates, sending the two horndogs slipping and sliding into eachother and all over the place.
After an unbelievably awkward high five to cheek kiss, the two FINALLY lock lips as I throw my empty pint of ice cream across the living room. I wasn't throwing it because they kissed, I was throwing it because the cameras switched to the house and Jordan Rodgers was wearing some gay-ass thermal pants. Wtf, dude?
Moving into dinner, JoJo and Wells discuss past relationships, where Wells continues to shit the bed. JoJo decides not to offer Wells the rose, and I think that is well deserved. You just gotta come out swinging in that situation - and he didn't.
Group Date - James T, Alex, Luke, Robby
The date begins with the group wandering around a town in Buenos Aires playing "who can stay creepily close to JoJo for the longest period of time". Thinks get more interesting when the four begin to play soccer with some local kids. I don't like this move by JoJo. Why? Because those kids (who are probably very good) play on concrete, and these guys are out here dressed to the 9 BECAUSE IT'S THE BACHELORETTE. However, we do get to witness some awkward white dudes do things that awkward white dudes usually can't/don't do, so that's a plus.
Play continues until the guys play to score a kiss from JoJo. James T shoots, he scores! somehow. In all fairness, though, Luke is blowing these guys out of the water today.
Later that evening, Luke takes the first opportunity to get some alone time with JoJo, which ends with potentially the longest kiss to ever air on national television. Nice move. James T follows with some alone time himself, but takes a different approach - discussing with JoJo how he feels about everyone else (Jordan) character. Terrible move.
JoJo approaches Jordan, who swiftly realizes that he might be in the dog house. Like, the dog house is a terrible place to be in a long term relationship, better yet on THE BACHELORETTE! Wow, talk about the stress you'd be feeling if you're that guy. He immediately tries to reassure her, and heads into the house to let James T know how he feels.
Luke wins the rose by a landslide.
2 on 1 - Chase and Derek
Did I mention how terrible this type of date would be? You hear stuff all the time about how miserable it is to be a third wheel. It must be 100 times worse to both actually be competing for the same girl! I'm average as hell, I would feel hopeless.
Chase and Derek arrive with JoJo to yet another dance studio, where they learn they will be Tango-ing. Tangoing? Tangoeing? Forget it. The looks on their faces resemble something like "oh no".
I am completely certain that the producers of this show are genuinely despised by every man on this planet. Quote me. You allow them to go on the most extravagant, incredible date with one of the hottest girls alive, and then you turn around and make him ballroom dance with that same girl and ANOTHER GUY? I hate this show.
Back and forth, back and forth. She flip flops between guys faster than (I know you know at least one person that flip flops so I'll let you imagine that name and make fun of them).
Derek soon gets some alone time. He tells her that he's falling for her, to which she replies, "I appreciate that". That's thank you. Which is the pinnacle of terrible responses. They kiss, because duh. Chase receives his alone time, which is nothing near the magnitude of Derek's. Somewhere in there, she brought up Ben, probably.
Breakdown of my thoughts over the next 5 minutes:
"Derek might just win this entire competition.."
"Did I just call this competition? So it's a marriage game? Wow"
"Wait, what?"
"Chase? Rose? Not Derek? Huh?"
I really thought Derek was going deep. What a rollercoaster. I can't believe I'm this invested in this show.
JoJo and company gather back at the house/villa/mansion for the cocktail party. During this, Alex pulls JoJo aside and reminds her (as if she wasn't totally aware) that he's not had a single one on one date with him, and that he's worried that he hasn't gotten an opportunity. My opinion? He should have thought of that when he applied for The Bachelorette at 5 foot 7.
Rose Ceremony
Luke and Chase already have roses. As the others line u to find out who receives the death penalty, JoJo goes white girl on us. After adorning both Jordan and Robby with roses, she breaks down and changes the rules. The producers bring in one more rose, and NOBODY GOES HOME.
I watch this show for the entertainment, not the love. I'm pretty disappointed that there was no heartbreak tonight. I mean, you don't watch reality TV because you actually want people to do good, do you? Nah, you dont.
Until next week...
