The Bachelorette: A Guy's Perspective - Week 3 (Part 1)
Never in a million years did I see myself sitting behind a computer screen, typing about The Bachelorette franchise and enjoying every second of it. Yet, here I am having the time of my life watching and writing about 25 guys and 1 douche bag desperately chasing a girl that they've known for 2 whole weeks. By this point, I'm seriously questioning where this show has been all of my life, because it's fantastic television.
The producers threw White Girl America for a loop this week by splitting the third installment of this season into two separate two-hour episodes. We can only assume that the amount of hungover women at work Wednesday morning will be a record high for this great nation.
Before we dive into this weeks drama, I have a serious question.
How in God's name do we, with social media and the internet at our fingertips, not know who wins this competition before it starts?
I'm absolutely beside myself here. The viewing audience of this television franchise has to be at minimum, 80% women. Of that 80%, at least 50% of them could go back 4 and a half years in the depths of Twitter to find the time you tweeted another girl while you were dating (and don't even tell me you couldn't/wouldn't). But you're telling me that these same women have no clue who wins The Bachelorette? Not a single chance. I do not and will not understand how this works.
Let's get started...
The episode begins with cameras rolling in different areas of the house, where we find most of the contestants asleep outside. While panning the house and highlighting the scene of the train wreck that occurred post-rose ceremony last week, the producers allow each contestant about 10 seconds to set the tone for this installment with their best shit-talk about Chad.
"It's almost like a bad dream" - Robby
"[Chad and Daniel] over there talking about how much they can bench and how much they can't squat" - Chase
"He has two sides: A douche and a dick." - Evan kicking off the show with tonight's first penis pun. It's only appropriate here.
Chris Harrison soon joins the contestants and reveals this week's agenda. Instead of two group dates and a 1-on-1, two lucky guys get their opportunity to spend time alone with JoJo, while another 11 will participate in what may go on to be the most awkward group date (or any date for that matter) of all time.
Chase reels in the first one-on-one.
1-on-1 Date - Chase
The date card reads "Let's get Physical. - JoJo", which again allows me to make a sexual innuendo without even saying anything creative. Chad (of course) gets instantly upset with her decision, but reminds everyone that even though he's pissed, it's cool because he's way ahead of the game in his relationship with JoJo. Doubtful.
The two arrive at a yoga salon, which turns out to be something like 110 degrees inside. Like most men, Chase is probably not very flexible and probably pretty scared here. JoJo says that she's always wanted to try yoga, but never really gotten the chance. So, per usual, this date is a set up just so that you degenerate females out there that obsess over this show can see some sweaty sexual tension on family TV. Shame on you.
Not even 3 minutes into this yoga session, their instructor is on the floor, releasing some type of screams that can only be heard during a particular instance in a human's life, all while giving us some of the best pelvic thrusts Primetime ABC has given us in the history of television.
At this point, I'm much more terrified than Chase and JoJo combined because my parents are in the same room. To make it worse, the instructor coins the term "angergasm," which sends me straight to the liquor cabinet.
JoJo tells the camera that this is the "First time I've mounted a guy on our first date." *crickets*
There is a 0% chance that this is a real first date scenario. Never in my life have I been on a date (at any point in a relationship) where I just casually end up with a girl in my lap in a sports bra and yoga pants while I'm shirtless. THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN. I hate this show.
Chase let's the camera know that he was in the zone, which is totally understandable and slightly obvious. I'd be stuttering and drooling in this situation, but that's a 'zone' too, right?
Chase and JoJo end their date with a private concert courtesy of Charles Kelley (Lady Antebellum) to add to the most expensive first date in history.
Fact: Chase secures the rose and gets to touch JoJo's butt.
Also a Fact: My future wife is probably watching this show, and I'm going to get fussed at one day in the future for not having a private concert on our first date.
Back at the house, Chad and Daniel are having some bro time with the dumbbells while Evan's weird ass is watching them and squatting simultaneously. This is a very weird thing to do.
Group Date - Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F, Christian, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad
The date card reads "Love has no secrets." If you've been watching for the past 2 weeks and you don't think this is comparable to a neon sign pointing directly at Chad, you're missing the point here. This is why we watch these shows. We live for it.
Because we just can't be happy about anything, Chad is mad that he has to participate in the group date with 12 guys. I think I can see both sides here. If I'm genuinely interested in someone that I could potentially marry, I can completely side with Chad here. However, you signed up for this - so as James Taylor tells him, "Just be thankful."
A commercial breaks, lead off with a casting call for those who are interested in being on the next season of The Bachelor. This struck a nerve with me, because it means that Chad actually submitted an application, went to a casting call and made it all the way through (what is probably) a tough process to be on this show. But why? Why does someone with THIS personality decide to audition for THIS type of show. Understanding this, we have to assume he is just THAT cocky or he's a complete phony.
The guys load up and head to the first stop of the group date. *Daniel is wearing a vested hoodie with a T-shirt underneath that should be grounds for disqualification, elimination and exile from this country immediately* The guys in limo 2 (strategically filled with everyone that is out to get Chad) begin to devise their plan to end the madness that is Chad Johnson.
Arriving at a theater, they are greeted by the show host who begins to moan loudly into a microphone on stage. My parents are still in the room. I am still mortified. After a solid 30 seconds of torture, we learn that the contestants will be preparing and sharing their wildest sex stories with the live audience in the theater. If you're a guy, and you ever think about the worst thing that could ever happen to you (relationship-wise), this is probably it. Especially when your mother will see it on national television soon after. Tragic.
Some highlights:
Grant - States that he made the decision that he was going to have sex before the girl did. Pretty rapey vibe here, and that's nothing to joke about. He was also arrested with only a condom on.
Nick - decides to use his tongue and spell out the alphabet which is the epitome of awkward and should never be seen on ABC again.
Daniel - *still wearing a vest and a t shirt* discusses a sexual scenario that led to him cutting part of a girls hair off. I imagine that 90% of the women watching this absolutely died. On the contrary, this is something that I would totally expect out of Daniel.
Evan - gives the women in the studio audience a "cautionary lesson" about a guy who is on steroids in a house full of men. Oh wait, that's Chad! Chad no likey.
I have to believe that all of the contestants love Evan. Not because he's a cool guy. Not because he is someone you just really want to hangout with, but simply because he's the only one that's dumb enough to try to attack Chad and risk his future with JoJo just to take a few stabs.
Chad rips Evan's shirt on his way down to the stage (which is such a 3rd grade bully move), and eventually calls JoJo down to the stage, tries to kiss her and gets absolutely denied. We're not talking just a simple turn of the head. She laughed, turned her head and then SHOOK HER HEAD NO while receiving applause and laughter from the remaining 11 contestants. Ultimate rejection. I hope there are paramedics on site, because Chad is about to kill everyone.
What do you know? Chad is pissed again. This time, bringing us the best quote in Bachelorette history: "If I can't lift weights, I'm going to murder someone."
This entire situation allows Chad to gain some alone time with JoJo, during which he blames Evan for being the bully. She doesn't buy it. Swing and a miss!
Evan finds JoJo, and like the little bitch he is, gives her an ultimatum: If Chad stays, Evan leaves. Personally, I think this is a bad move. Not because he's a tattle tale. Not because he's a grown ass man and shouldn't be this worked up. Simply because there are as many women that will sleep with Evan as there are women who will sleep with Ted Cruz... not many. By giving The Bachelorette (who is way, way, WAY out of his league) an ultimatum, you're ruining the microscopic chance you have.
Meanwhile, Chad gets some time with the cameras, where he tells us all that Evan is "just trying to get a rise out of me." Isn't Evan an erectile dysfunction expert? Isn't that, like, his job?
Evan gets the group date rose and I literally scream at the TV. Full white girl mode. I'm absolutely shocked. I hate this show. Chad hates this show too, because his reaction and facial expressions are comparable to Donald Trump during a debate with Little Marco.
"Is this real? Is this a real scenario here?" - Chad
"Was Derek on that TV show called The Office?" - My Dad
See? Everyone is confused.
1-on-1 Date - James T
The date card reads "Kicking it Old School - JoJo" and the two head out in their light blue convertible sporting their best 40s? 50s? 60s? attire. I don't know, I'm a millennial... sue me.
James T has been my favorite from the start. I play guitar. I know that girls are a fan of guys that play guitar. James T plays guitar too. We're practically the same person!
Anyway... JoJo takes her date to a dance studio, where the two seem to thoroughly enjoy learning how to swing dance. James T is a southern white guy, so like most of us, dancing and keeping a rhythm is unheard of and it takes them a while. The instructors lead them outside where they find a slew of couples swing dancing in the street. My favorite part about all of this is that James is genuinely having a good time. He's smiling, laughing and really just killing it with some freestyle white dude moves.
The cameras switch back to the house, where we get to watch Chad eat something that looks like it could be a potato, a beet or an odd shaped onion by itself. As the viewer is brought to speed, we understand that Daniel is discussing the current situation with Chad, where Daniel advises him to chill. Chad no likey. Chad eats lettuce by itself too.
James Taylor continues to dominate the first date, lands the rose and makes the GOAT of all first date moves and breaks out his guitar to play a song he wrote specifically for this moment.
GAME. BLOUSES.
The two begin to kiss, and they end up kissing so long that the producers have to step in and cancel the Cocktail party for the evening. Is this what actually happened? You decide.
Because of JoJo's heightened sexual appetite, she decides to replace the cocktail party with an all day pool party the following day. #yay
The episode ends with Evan tattling (again) on Chad - this time to Chris Harrison. I wasn't aware that Harrison also assumes the role of "Dad" on this show, but I would really like to see him punishing guys for acting like children and firing up the grill tomorrow at the pool party repping some closed-toe sandals and sporting an apron with a "meat" joke across the front of it.
After admitting to the world that steriod use is NOT out of the question, Chad is informed that if he does not mend this situation, he will be sent home.
"To be continued..."
