The Bachelorette: A Guy's Perspective - Week 2
Unfortunately, the NBA Western Conference Finals were on again last night, so I had to stand up for my masculinity and watch that first before diving into this weeks episode of the Bachelorette. This kept me up much later than I would have liked to, but alas! I survived. About halfway through the episode, I had an epiphany. I'm a 23 year old male who is awake at nearly 1am watching The Bachelorette and taking notes over it while mixing drinks to keep myself entertained. It genuinely startled me. So you know what I did? I hit 'pause' on the TiVo and mixed another drink for the second half of the show.
When I woke up this morning, my jaw was extremely sore. Did it drop because of Steph Curry out there being Steph Curry? Did it hit the floor when every contestant annihilated Chad during the SportsNation group date? Did I actually collapse when I had to watch Daniel and Chad 'high five' while wearing matching wife beaters? I can only assume it was a combo of all three of those things.
Before getting into the juicy goodness that is Season 12 of the Bachadlorette, I feel obligated to touch on a few key things that happened throughout the past 7 days that we *somehow* survived without JoJo.
Disclaimer: Tyler and I made the executive decision to not blog about Chad's weighted-suitcase-rafter-pullup scenario out of genuine fear that we may get famous and approached by Affliction for sponsorships. We apologize in advance.
First and foremost... THERE IS A BRACKET CHALLENGE COMPETITION FOR THE BACHELORETTE. This is insane. I don't even know how I came across it, but I did and my viewing experience is forever changed. Being the huge basketball fan that I am, I'm certainly going to refer to this bracket challenge as #MarriageMadness. You can find this bracket HERE.
As if my discovery of #MarraigeMadness didn't bring my Bachelorette anticipation levels to an all time high, former Pro Quarterback Jordan Rodgers' ex-girlfriend came out of nowhere and Blindsided him (along with every girl ever, probably) via Instagram, stating "Riding the Bench doesn't get in the way of a relationship, but cheating does." Does it get worse? Yes, it gets worse. Rogers' ex, Brittany Farrar, included the hashtags #YourPitchIsntPerfect and #TuneInNextWeekForMoreBS.
In case you missed it, here's the post.
Listen, ladies - coming from a male (again, the obvious minority in this franchise's viewership), I don't know whether to believe this or not. You see girls trying to blast their exes over social media literally daily. This just so happens to be an ex girlfriend of a famous Bachelorette contestant, which is truly the pinnacle of pettiness. Also, if you watched last night, you noticed that Jordan's airtime was SIGNIFICANTLY reduced. Coming from someone who is a Bachelor/Bachelorette virgin, I believe this was a set up. This was filmed a WHILE ago, people. You think the post leaked and the producers went in and changed everything just to line up with that? Hell nah, she's just salty.
First Group Date
The first group date card is presentd by Chris Harrison, who in my opinion might have the greatest job on the planet. The card reads "Let's heat things up. - JoJo" Nearly immediately after the card is read, something explodes outside, sending every male in the house running out the door giggling, which is the most innapropriate way to handle that situation. I literally can't think of a worse way they could have reacted. Outside, they find the limo (supposed to be their vehicle to the group date) has exploded and is engulfed in flames.
A) ABC just wasted a perfectly good limo.
B) Everyone just stood there and watched. These cucks didn't even think about the fact that the "love of their life" might be trapped inside a burning limousine. Instead, they just stare and step back. I don't understand this show.
A fire truck eventually pulls up, in which JoJo steps out and puts the fire out.
Expert Analysis:
JoJo has definitely handled a few hoses in her life (including getting hosed by Ben at the end of last season... DAMNNNN), and this group date just shows that she's probably down for a couple more, seeing that she's only single for about 8 more weeks.
Thank you, ABC, for putting that joke on a tee for me and letting me knock it out of the park. No doubt in my mind the producer has a sense of humor as good as mine.
The participants in the date are absolutely an all-star cast:
- Grant (Isn't he a fireman already? Is this really fair?)
- Will
- Evan (I'm sure he's handled quite a few hoses in his Erectile dysfunction clinic)
- Daniel (seriously, JoJo?)
- Vinny (still don't know who he is)
- Ali
- James F. (someone get the producers to help this guy dress himself)
- Wells
- Robby
As far as the group date goes, there's nothing really too interesting. Quite honestly, there's only a few ways you can make this happen. As far as firefighting goes, you have a heavy suit and you put out a fire with water. The curve-ball thrown here was Wells' near death experience during the axe chopping competition (????), that actually ended up working out in his favor. In the most reality TV way possible, every guy on that date went from calling him a pussy to being madder than hell in approximately 15 seconds. Our boy Wells pulled the ultimate Squints/Peffercorn move here. He's not athletic, but he's a Radio DJ. He let his mouth do all of the work (wink wink), and it paid off. He eventually gets the rose for the group date, which sends the rest of the "B-team" (according to Chad) into a level of fury that even hell cannot grasp.
Expert Analysis:
Wells won the group date rose without even really participating in the competitions. Do you know what this makes me want to do? Workout less than I already do. If being in worse shape than everyone else can get you a rose from The Bachelorette... it can work for me, NO DOUBT. We're okay, dudes.
Grant is a firefighter, so he obviously won the competition. However, that's really all he's got - his luck will run out soon enough.
Although the Group Date wasn't all too interesting, there were definitely some FIRE (get it?) quotes.
Daniel kicks it off by saying "You can spray me down anyday," and, "The last time I pulled on a hose like that was in my apartment." Damnnnnnn, Daniel... you just keep taking L's. But you're still alive, and for the sake of this column, I hope you somehow make it to the bottom two.
Nick chimes in with "Wow, that limo isn't the only thing that's on fire." He doesn't actually say JoJo is what's on fire, so we have to assume. But if not, I'm sure Evan has encountered a few burning sensations with his clients.
Brandon also gets about 10 seconds of screen time, in which he plays the role of hipster perfectly by looking stoned as absolute shit.
Cameras switch back to the house, where the remaining 10 are, prepare yourself, making like a boy band and SINGING A SONG ABOUT JOJO. What? Odds are, James T is the ringleader here, but it's definitely odd that 10 men are singing JoJo's name in chorus (especially while shes out making out with the other 10 guys). Chad refuses to join this sausage festival, and simply calls them a bunch of pussies. #TotalChadMove
1 on 1 Date - Derek
Derek finds out that he is the first contestant to be selected for a one on one date, and immediately tells the cameras (and like 20 million people) that he's "giddy like a school boy." I don't really have a lot of experience in front of a camera, but I highly doubt that I would use that phrase on a snapchat story, better yet The Bachelorette. The date card reads, "Love is full of choices."
**At this point, I learn that if you do not receive a rose on a 1-on-1, you go home immediately. This is now a much bigger deal than I thought. I cannot imagine the pressure Derek is feeling right now**
Derek heads out to his date with JoJo, saying "Have Fun Boys!" to the remaining 19 that are left in despair at the mansion. Power move. Chad no likey.
This date is obviously about choices. Basically, they mutually decided on decisions throughout the date that would ultimately affect the outcome. They choose which direction they *fly*, how they eat dinner, and Derek ends it by making JoJo choose "kiss or no kiss." Nice move, Derek.
Expert Analysis:
I feel like I need to stop watching these dates, but I cant. It makes every date I've ever been on/will go on in my entire life seem absolutely pathetic. Every girl that watches this show expects us, as charming, southern men to pull this off. We just can't do it. I'm over here thinking an evening in Memphis is knocking it out of the park, while JoJo and Derek are flying to Northern California for Christ's sake. Ok - end rant.
Derek gets the rose, which he better get after experiencing the most extravagant date in recent history.
Back at the Bachelorette Mansion, the cameras catch a quick glimpse of James T and company still singing their JoJo Jingle. Producers must hate this too, because they quickly switch over to Chad and Daniel having a private discussion while wearing matching black wife beaters. The main topic of the conversation his hilariously perfect. The two guidos of this season decide that if they mixed every contestant other than themselves into a blender to make a protein shake, it would be a pretty shitty protein shake. The thought process here can only be described as a solid combination of meathead and psycho serial killer.
Chad and Daniel: "I knew you were cool when I first met you. Yeah, you too bro!" *high five* *viewer face palm*
Second Group Date
The guys receive the card for the second group date, which features Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T, Alex and Chad. While the three that didn't get picked (for anything... at all) begin to pout, Chad reminds them that they've waited their whole life for JoJo, and that they could wait a few more hours and it would be okay.
By this point, if there's more than 3 men in the same room, every single viewer is on the edge of their seat to find out what savage move Chad makes. No questions asked, he is the alpha male in this house.
They arrive at the group date destination only to see JoJo co-hosting an episode of SportsNation, discussing Stephen Curry being the greatest player of all time. I had to pause the TiVo and regroup my emotions because if I heard her talk about basketball any more I was going to fall in love and physically faint. Anyway...
Marcellus and Max (two hosts of sportsnation in case you aren't aware), bring the guys up to speed on the afternoon's competitions. At the conclusion of the games, Marcellus and Max will power rank the guys in order of overall performance. These include:
Strike a Rose - a touchdown celebration dance that allows the entire country to realize that it may have actually been Jordan Rogers' dance moves that got him fired from his former NFL team, along with the understanding that these are some of the whitest guys of all time.
Eye on the Prize - a classic game of dizzy bat, except instead of swinging and missing a beer can, you're swinging and missing (via proposal) with one of the hottest women of all time. Literally, these guys were swerving themselves - JoJo just stood there and laughed at them.
Press Conference - This is exactly what you expect as far as the questioning, until the interviewers go full ESPN Reporter mode and ask the guys who they think should be sent home. Obviously, the world echoed the contestants cry for Chad's elimination.
*Shit, meet fan. Fan, meet shit.*
After the three competitions, the power rankings are announced.
3. Alex
2. Chad
1. James T
James T secures the group date rose.
Expert Analysis:
Chad does call it as he sees it. He's a no-bullshit kind of guy. The other guys are definitely telling her things that they love about her after knowing her for 2 weeks (which is probably pretty fake). I’ve been in relationships, but never to the point of falling in love after 2 weeks. I have to say I agree with Marcellus and Max on giving him the 2 spot here.
Rose Ceremony
After trying (and succeeding) to steal JoJo away from every possibly male in the house (all while eating every ounce of protein available in the state of California), Chad makes a bold move and waits outside of the Mansion for JoJo to arrive at the Ceremony. Chad may be the biggest dick of all time, but he is definitely making power moves. JoJo tells the cameras that she appreciates Chad's honesty about everything, but she feels as if he may be "overcompensating for something." #PeePeeStuff2k16
As Chad enters the house for the Rose Ceremony with JoJo, the whole mansion quickly transitions into the gates of hell with all of the heat radiating from the others faces. It's classic, really.
Wells, Derek and James Taylor all already have roses from previous dates. The remainder of them go to:
Alex – still 5 foot 7
Christian – also under 6 foot
Robby – Former competitive swimmer, which could have been at his local YMCA
Luke – gets low-key mad when any other man talks to JoJo
Chase – dark horse
Jordan – still a former pro QB, not going anywhere
Grant – fireman
Ali – still too scared to talk to JoJo
Daniel – daaaaaaaaaaaaamn jojo!
James F - black suit black shirt guy
Nick – He had much better game with the santa suit on
Vinny – definitely never saw that guy tonight
Evan – by far the oldest/creepiest guy in this competition
Chad – DUH
We said goodbye to Brandon (hipster), James S (bachelor superfan) and Will (notecard reading guy) this week. According to the trailer, Chad continues to make things worse, and Alex may just reach the height requirement to talk to him. Being a marine, he may be able to tie Chad up in a knot for calling him short. I literally can't wait for this bomb to explode.
Until next week...
