The Bachelorette: A Guys Perspective - Week 1
In an effort to be completely honest and make this column even greater than it might actually be, I have never seen The Bachelorette. Yes, I've had girlfriends in the past who have been watching it while I'm in the same room. Yes, my mother has watched it many a time while I've been at home. But, if you asked me ANYTHING that happened over the course of the past 12 seasons (including names/faces and winners), I'm absolutely clueless. Even further, up until a week or so ago, JoJo could have walked in my front door and I would have had ZERO idea of who she was.
That's all about to change.
I have taken a momentous step in my life and committed to following JoJo's quest for love throughout season 12, keeping up with and getting to know the contestants, and delivering you a weekly review article that is straight from the mouth of a guy - the ultimate minority in this new universe I've discovered.
Let's get started. This is probably going to be the longest installment of the entire series of articles, so bear with me.
JoJo's season begins by giving a very vague overview of Season 11's plot twist that sent JoJo back home to Texas in a whirlwind of confusion and misery. I didn't watch it, but from what I can gather, Ben told her he loved her and then told her he loved someone else more. I really hate that for you, JoJo, but shit happens.
The show moves forward by skimming through her life since the end of last season. JoJo decides to call it a "breakup", but you can't break up with someone who was technically dating 26 different women like 8 weeks prior to that. I don't know what you would call it, but it's not a break up.
Next, the new Bachelorette meets with 3 previous bachelorettes (what a crew) for last minute advice on first impressions, kissing on the first night, and regrets the others experienced that may help her down the road. This conversation ends with JoJo stating that she is "scared that she may boink all of them and not find the one she loves." She didn't actually say that.
Before meeting the 26 men that will be battling their hearts out for her, JoJo says, "I'm excited for whatever comes my way!" She must have recorded this WAY before multiple contestants got blackout drunk on the very first episode.
Let's meet the 26 (why are there so many?) guys:
This guy is dangerously short with a tall glass of little man syndrome. I mean, he's only got JoJo beat by 3 inches, and he's doing pushups with her on his back? Not impressed. Also, his bio states that he's "not into the whole booty dancing thing". I don't blame you, Alex. At 5'7" I bet it's tough to find someone that grinding isn't awkard with.
Did anyone else notice the vampire teeth? I noticed the vampire teeth. You had to have noticed the vampire teeth. Also, he's 27 and a bartender, so I'm sure this guy has it all figured out. However, the guy can kill it on the piano.
His bio says that "For love, everything is on the table." Hmm... Everything? #ButtStuff2k16
Tyler: "I bet he smells like pencil shavings."
"Hipster" is his occupation. He's almost 30, which is ironic because he got probably 30 seconds of screen time last night. No tattoos, though? Blasphemy. This guy is the epitome of a stoner.
Brandon's bio states that he sees love everywhere and "wants to experience someone from the inside out." We're 3 guys in and already have 2 butt play jokes? This is lining up to be excellent.
The first words Chad utters to JoJo upon meeting her is "I'm excited to take this run with you and get to know you." Does that make any sense? No, it doesn't, Chad. Can't formulate a sentence, but you sure can talk a lot of shit to the camera about everyone else and call former Bachelor, Ben Higgins, a "softy." When asked about who he admires most, Chad responds with, "Myself in 10 years. Alright, alright, alright." Let's just call him 'Chode'.
Tyler: This is the type of guy who brags about being good at his desk job.
No doubt this guy is an early contender. Tech sales (apparently that's what Ben did too?) representative who looks like he could be more athletic than Jordan Rodgers. Other than his weird "I mustache you a question" introduction, he stayed pretty quiet throughout the evening.
His bio says that his idea of marriage is "one girl, one commitment," which is ironic seeing that the "one girl" he's going after is going to be making out with, like, 25 dudes for a few weeks. To each his own...
Tyler: "Dark horse."
First, he lists himself at 5'11". Why not just say 6 feet? If you can overshoot your height on a basketball roster you can definitely do it for the Bachelorette. Girls like tall guys, that's a known fact. His bio states that he has two cats (yes, two).
Bio also says that he loves when his date "is adventurous and open to new things." What does that scream? #ButtStuff2k16
Tyler: "TRY HARD"
Doesn't JoJo do Real Estate? Uh oh! Early contender. Even hits JoJo with the "I hope to be the one to take you off the market" real estate gag. Even so, based solely, off his questionnaire, he seems like a really solid guy. However, slicked back hair is not a solid look on many people, including our guy Coley.
Tyler: "Probably a magician from the early 1900s in a previous life"
Tell me if I'm wrong, but did Derek really bring JoJo a pair of blue balls the first time he ever meets her? POWER MOVE. Based on the questionnaire, his most outrageous moment involved "drunkenly skinny dipping in the ocean at 3am when the sharks are active," and he genuinely fears fluffy kittens. Interesting character.
Tyler: "Too nice"
Jesus Christ. This guy. Click through and check out his impeccable bio. First thing he says to JoJo when he meets her? "Damnnnnnnnnnn JoJo! Back at it again with The Bachelorette!" She doesn't get it. He can't explain it. Swing and a miss!
Oh yeah, he also got blackout drunk, poked multiple contestants in the belly button and took all of his clothes off before the Rose Ceremony. Odds of him remembering the rose ceremony whatsoever? Very slim.
Tyler: "Just get out."
If there is a litmus test for being the creepiest son of a bitch on the planet - Evan passes with flying colors. I don't really even know what an Erectile Dysfunction Expert does, but I think I'm better off that way. Also, according to his bio, "girls with chipped nail polish" are deal-breakers for relationships. So, basically, every girl ever? His favorite type of dancing is "Booty! - I love it" and claims he is "in touch with his sexual energy." Hilarious, considering his occupation.
ED Expert + that mustache he has + "booty!" = Probably does porn on the side.
Another side note: He calls JoJo "girly".
Tyler: "ew"
This guy is extremely plain. Nothing interesting about him. His worst date memory was a girl talking about Harry Potter for 20 minutes, so he probably really sucks, too.
"If Santa and the guy in the Kilt get roses and not me... I just can't" - the whitest of white girl things he could have said.
If Jake had balls, he would have made a sexual landscape architecture joke right off the bat to make things interesting. I don't even have any decent notes for Jake. Being a Jake myself, I had high hopes. I was extremely let down.
There are 3 James'. This could get confusing. Fortunately, James F. is easy to remember because he's the worst of the 3 James'. According to his bio, he used to rock a buzz cut hair-do with big bangs up front. As a guy, this "style" has never even crossed my mind, Thank God. He also "carb cycles," which I'm assuming means he eats clean throughout the week and inhales Taco Bell at 2am on the weekends. Same, bro.
The worst part was that he wore a black suit with a black shirt. Damnit, James.
This guy is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too nice. Almost so nice you hate it. He also is a bachelor superfan, so he represents 0.001% of the male population of the earth. Answering his questionnaire, he said that he's never had intimacy with someone he hasn't gotten to know for a while. But he's on the Bachelorette, so...
"I love it when my date doesn't attempt to pay for the bill. Two things women shouldn't touch is the door and the bill... everything else is free game *winks*." But maybe I'm just paraphrasing?
Tyler: "possibly gay? Way too clean"
Killing the James game by a landslide. Gets out of the limo with a guitar playing a song he wrote strictly for that moment. He shoots. He scores! Big time move by the Texan.
His bio states that he has an American Flag/Eagle tattoo (point), he likes the movie Wedding Crashers (point) and that he would be Michael Jordan for a day if he could (3 points). Definitely sticking around for a while.
Tyler: "A god ole Texan" - we'll assume he meant *good
You know you're not from this country when you show up to meet the Bachelorette in a kilt. I don't even think I would show up to a bagpipe festival in a kilt if I knew that she was going to be there. It's just not a smart move. As if the kilt wasn't enough to ruin his chances, HE HAS A TATTOO OF HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS INNER ARM! If he doesn't get kicked off tonight, he definitely will when that conversation happens. Total Canada Move.
Can I ask a question? How is this even fair? Aaron Rodgers, arguably one of the best in the NFL, little brother is a contestant on a show to win a woman? That's not even fair! If I was one of the other guys, I'd be hella pissed. He's got it in the bag.
According to his bio, the wildest thing he's ever done in the bedroom is "Try to hang a TV on the wall without directions or a stud finder." Fantastic Answer.
Tyler: "early favorite"
He approached JoJo on a unicorn. To viewers like me, who have no understanding of previous seasons, this was weird. As I discovered that she approached Ben with a unicorn hat thing, and it almost paid off, I chalked this up as a W for Luke. Also, he'll "do anything for love, he's a team player." Go ahead and pave the way for a few inappropriate jokes throughout the season stemming from that line.
Tyler: "early favorite"
Nick - There's two of them
I really don't know which Nick is which. Is one Nick Santa? Or is Santa an actual contestant? Did other Nick do the splits? Because ouch. I'm highly confused in the Nick-space. Hopefully this gets easier (and less weird).
Another guy who won't just say he's 6'0" and rolls with 5'11". Really, guys, it could be a game changer. He wants to get a tattoo in remembrance of his Grandfather. My advice? Don't take grandma-tattoo-kilt-guy.
He also wants to be her #MCM. Personally, social media jokes would not be high on my list of pickup lines if my wife is at stake.
Tyler: "just bad"
Robby broke out a bottle of wine that JoJo said her mother would "love". Power Move. Jumping out early and potentially getting the mother's approval? Big time.
Tyler: "The kind of guy who gets pissed when his pee is too yellow"
I really don't remember Sal at all. Moving on.
I was confused for a bit and thought Vinny was Santa. Maybe he is? I don't know, that's a huge curveball for a newbie like me. However, he likes to cook Italian food (NO WAY?).
Wells meets his potential Bachelorette with a full a-capella group singing behind him. Does he say that they might be there for multiple episodes? Not good. To make it worse, he crushes the competition, and then walks in the house saying "sup guys?" with a huge smile. Bold move. Is he just a really solid dude? Or is he throwing it in their faces that he's a step ahead already? Guess we'll find out.
Tyler: "the quiet nerdy guy that's too nice not to give a rose to"
Is this the guy who had notecards in his hand when he met her? After purposefully (accidentally) dropping them when he got out? The same guy who gave her the most awkward kiss to ever happen in Bachelorette history (that I don't know but you have to assume it's close)? This will be good.
Tyler: "too awkward but I like the effort"
Now that that's over...
While making her rounds and having personal conversations with the contestants, things just get weird. Being a Bachelorette virgin, I honestly thought these guys would have more self-control with the booze in this situation. Daniel wastes no time and immediately starts pounding drinks. I mean, smashing liquor left and right. How does this end? The same way every night like this ends: pantsless. Damn Daniel is running around poking his competitors belly buttons, while Jordan Rogers is locking in the first makeout of the season.
"There's no scenario in the world where it's okay to poke another man's belly button repeatedly" - this has to be a top 10 quote in recent reality TV history. Maybe I just don't watch enough reality TV.
The Rose Ceremony
At the end of the episode, the following receive roses (after an insane interruption with a random guy walking in the bachelor mansion and me immediately thinking it was a crazy plot twist of an ex lover....false alarm):
Jordan - former NFL QB (still unfair)
Luke - unicorn horse guy
Wells - quiet nerdy a capella group guy
James T. - "god ole Texan"
Grant - salty about santa guy
Derek - blue balls guy?
*Enter more of Chad talking shit about everyone*
Christian - 5'11 try hard
Chad - behind the scenes bitch
Chase - mustache/dark horse
Alex - miniature marine
Robby - OCD about his pee color guy
Brandon - "hipster"
*I'm going to pause and remind everyone that someone who is a professional "hipster" is closer to meeting JoJo than I am*
James F - black suit black shirt guy
Ali - vampire that smells like pencil shavings guy
Santa - A MALL SANTA BEAT ME TO JOJO TOO? HAS SHE EVEN SEEN HIS REAL FACE? THIS IS RIDICULOUS
Will - awkward notecard guy
*he spoke in 3rd person, too*
James S. - other James
Vinny - Low-key mobster barber guy
Evan - ew
Daniel - Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn Daniel
Looks like we won't be seeing anymore of grandma-tattoo-kilt-guy, Coley, Jake, Nick B or Nick S (whoever isn't santa), Peter, or Sal (was he even on the show at all?).
Pretty intrigued to see what happens from here on out. See y'all next week!
