Safe Zones Are Making Trumps Penis Bigger
Great news: the weekend is finally upon us! Even GREATER news: Donald Trump talked about his penis size during the Fox News Republican debate last night on LIVE television. What a time to be alive! Presidents talking about their goobers during a time where everyone and their brother is offended about everything. Which brings me to the first half of this column: sombrero safe zones.
I can’t make this up. I honestly can’t even believe that I am sitting at a computer writing this. A small (liberal) college in Massachusetts has issued SAFE ZONES because of a college party involving students drinking tequila and…wait for it...wearing miniature sombreros.
To quote the Washington Post:
“Two weeks ago, some students threw a birthday party for a friend. The email invitation read: “the theme is tequila, so do with that what you may. We’re not saying it’s a fiesta, but we’re also not not saying that :).”
The invitation — sent by a student of Colombian descent, which may or may not be relevant here — advertised games, music, cups and “other things that are conducive to a fun night.” Those “other things” included the miniature sombreros, several inches in diameter. And when photos of attendees wearing those mini-sombreros showed up on social media, students and administrators went ballistic. “
Before we go any further, I absolutely love the email here. “We’re not saying it’s a fiesta, but we’re also not not saying that :)” is the most college thing I’ve ever read. However, sending a party invitation through email sounds like some Ivy League, MIT bulls***. It’s 2016, bro… ever heard of snapchat?
As a result of this “not fiesta” party, attendees were placed on social probation and two members of the student government association are potentially facing dismissal from their positions.
The Washington Post article gets better:
“Such divisions on campus are unsurprising. Unlike with blackface, there does not seem to be any sort of settled social norm about the offensiveness or inoffensiveness of sombreros. Go to Chili’s, Chevys or other Mexican and Tex-Mex restaurants, and you’ll likely find similar decor and garb.
If your litmus test for the suitability of a party theme is something like, “Could this plausibly be a national chain restaurant?,” then a “tequila party” probably seems safe.”
Although this segment doesn’t actually relate to the university’s reaction to the party, I just wanted it to be mentioned here. On top of the fact that it’s a perfectly timed stab at the PC Bros of the country, I laughed my tail off. Read the whole thing here.
I wish I could say this story ends here, but unfortunately, the university had to go to extremes and actually create safe zones for people who are offended by the consumption of tequila and the wearing of TINY SOMBREROS. WHAT? You know how many “white trash bash” parties I went to in college? You know how many people went and cried to the administration because our party decorations resembled those decorations on their parents’ front porch? None. And let me tell you, AstroTurf and lawn flamingos are pretty common here in the south.
As if Sombrero Safe Zones isn’t ridiculous enough, last night Donald Trump decided to tell the entire country that he has a big enough pecker to be the POTUS. To quote Trump:
"He hit my hands. Nobody has ever hit my hands. Are they small hands? And he referred to my hands — if they’re small something else must be small. I guarantee you there’s no problem, I guarantee you.” - Big Donald
Watching this live was one of the most memorable experiences of my life. I can’t wait to tell my kids one day that I got to witness the President of the United States talk about his pee pee on TV. Here’s the video, ICYMI:
I hope that you’ve enjoyed this as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it. I thought about forming an argument over which one of these stories is the most Ludacris and irrational, but it’s a landslide in favor of the Tequila Party Terrorists.
I’m biased because I, myself, thoroughly enjoyed the parties in college when we coined the night “tequila night”… and everyone loved it (I think).
Did you really expect anything less of Donald Trump? I mean, in his FIRST EVER debate the guy blasted Rosie O’ Donnell, calling her a pig. And to be honest, he’s called Marco Rubio a pussy (lightweight) about a hundred times in the past 2 weeks. You can’t tell me that you thought talking about his manhood would never happen.
On a completely serious note, I hate everything about the “politically correct” state that our nation is in. And to be absolutely honest, the PC bullshit is the reason that Donald Trump is taking this country over by storm. People hate PC bros, and Trump is the PC bro kryptonite. It makes sense. Two takeaways from today:
Every time a “safe zone” is created for something stupid, Trump’s dick gets bigger.
2. I sure hope he manscapes, or else he’ll have to build a wall around that too. #GotHeeem
